22 May / The ‘Work’ Thing

So would you believe, I have two job interviews coming up(?!). They’re both part-time, one in an admin/receptionist role and the other as a care assistant in a dementia/elderly home.

The idea of work is still absolutely terrifying, my heart is beating and my breath is short, as I’m writing this. (Here’s where a lot of my anxiety about work has come from.)

I have been offered a ‘work coach’ through the job centre as I’ve recently started claiming Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) and have an assessment with him on 31st May, this is to talk about what I think my needs are and the help that I want.

Obviously I’m really torn as this has all come at once, but I’ve a good feeling about the admin job in particular. That is a huge step in itself, because I do apply for jobs and wholeheartedly so, but if/when I get an interview I panic because it makes it that much more real. I panicked at first, but after a few days to think it over, I think I’m feeling better.

The place itself offers ‘chakra puncture’ for anxiety which is a good sign I guess?

The reason I’m so afraid of going back to work is because I’m scared of getting overwhelmed. I don’t adjust to new situations very well emotionally and often find my emotions ‘crash’ when I push myself too much, so I need a lot of down time to rest my mind. I really don’t want that to happen and then I just end up crying at work all the time and get too physically anxious to go to work again. (My physical symptoms of anxiety often include vomiting, numb limbs, shortness of breath and uncontrollable crying.)

I’m not sure how to help myself though. I am on a waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) but God knows how long that will be before it starts.

I’ve really no idea how this is going to pan out because I find my moods and decision making very sporadic and I could change my mind about a lot of things at any given moment. But, we shall see how it goes – I’m trying to think positive!

If anybody has any advice on returning to work and handling overwhelming emotions, please drop me a message!

Note to self:

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Quick Tips: The Power of the To-Do List for Motivation

Depression is a real motivation sucker and can leave you feeling incredibly empty and hopeless. One way I have found to combat this is by writing and following to-do lists. It seems fairly trivial but trust me, ticking those boxes off is very rewarding!

Here’s my to-do list for today which I have completed;

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I wrote this list before I went to bed last night, so I knew I had a list to complete when I woke up. This encouraged me to get up and out of bed, instead of the usual staying in bed until it’s frowned upon.

As you can see, some of my to-do’s are very simple day to day tasks, so never think that anything is too small – if you feel accomplished doing it, then write it down and get it done!

The feeling of satisfaction I get after completing a list is a very positive one and a reminder that I can get up and see the day, no matter how hard my mind tells me I can’t. This is a perfect bridge to setting yourself up for a good day. Give it a go, you could be pleasantly surprised!

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Self Esteem: Being a Girl in The Blogging World

Over these last few months as I’ve started blogging, I have been blown away by the community. There is nothing like having your own group of blogger cheerleaders encouraging and congratulating you at every milestone.

But unfortunately, being a girl in the blogging world means the tons of beauty and fashion bloggers are unavoidable. And, don’t get me wrong I love cheering others on too and these girls are so talented and beautiful they absolutely should be blogging. But, I can’t help but feel inadequate because of this. I mean I’m not exactly your run of the mill girl blogger and I probably do my make-up once a week, if that.

Honestly – I’m not very good at my make-up, I don’t have the loveliest most expensive clothes and my hair isn’t silky smooth. I don’t go out everyday and drink soy lattes and I don’t eat Instagram worthy breakfasts. Normally, I wouldn’t be too fussed about these things but lately (and especially today) I’ve been feeling very self-conscious and low in myself. I did my hair and make up, and then decided I looked awful, wiped it all off again and then sulked in my bed before a nap.

I am surrounded by beautiful, self-taught make up gurus being buried with gorgeous free clothes who are doing great things with their lives. It’s just not very good for my mental health or self-esteem at all.

Ideally I think I need a bit of a break from Social Media and to focus on myself again for a little while, although sadly I find it quite difficult. I often sit on my phone to fill a gap of time rather than doing something constructive or caring for myself.

I’m aiming to read more as I have some lovely books to read (three to review!), and want to start playing my keyboard more too.

 

25 Questions To Get To Know Me

1. What is your middle name?

Louise

2. Share you favourite subject in high school.

History or Drama

3. What is your favourite drink?

Lucozade or Diet Coke

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?

Perfect / Ed Sheeran

5. What would you (or have you) name your children?

That’s a secret!

6. Have you participated in any sports?

I played Netball in school? I’m not overly ‘sporty’ but I enjoy weight lifting at the gym.

7. What is your favorite book?

Looking For Alaska by John Green

8. What is your favorite color?

I couldn’t possibly commit to one colour!

9. What is your favorite animal?

Dogs or Penguins!

10. What is your favorite perfume?

Calvin Klein Euphoria

11. What is your favourite holiday?

Christmas!

12. On a scale from 1 – 10, rate your childhood.

6? Maybe? I don’t know really.

13. Have you been out of the country?

Yep! I’ve been to Spain twice, Turkey, Italy, New York twice and Ireland.

14. Do you speak any different languages?

Nope. I did French in school but wasn’t very good at it!

15. Do you have any siblings?

Two sisters & 1 brother – I’m the baby!

16. What is your favourite store?

I don’t really have one I don’t think! I do love Waterstones.

17. What is your favourite restaurant?

Anywhere that has Sausage and Mash on the menu!

18. Did you like school?

Yep, loved it.

19. Who are some of your favourite YouTubers?

I don’t really have any – oops! I should get into YouTube more.

20. What is your favourite movie?

Agh, there are too many! All the Harry Potters, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Toy Story, Bridesmaids, The Lion King, Beauty & The Beast, Dirty Dancing. 

21. What are some of your favourite tv shows?

Pretty Little Liars, Riverdale, Big Bang Theory, Friends, Fresh Prince!

22. PC or mac?

Mac! My MacBook is my baby.

23. What phone do you have?

Rose Gold iPhone 6s

24. How tall are you?

5’4

25. Do you have any pets?

Yes – I have two French Bulldogs


I’m having a relaxing Sunday today as I’ve had a stressful week! But the sun is shining and I’m okay. Lots of love to you all x

The Willoughby Book Club / Subscription Box Review

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.” – George R.R. Martin

Reading is an absolutely fantastic way to escape your thoughts, distract your mind and discover new worlds. Which is why it’s my favourite thing to do when times are hard. What better way to take a break from life than by living someone else’s through your imagination?fullsizeoutput_877

I am a massive fan of subscription boxes as I love surprises, and when I discovered The Willoughby Book Club I was so excited and had to have get my hands on a sample! See, I love reading, but I can just never pick one book. Put me in Waterstones and it’ll take me a good half an hour at least to pick a book to take home. (My poor boyfriend.) So knowing that part will be done for me is just grand!

This subscription box works with your reading preferences and interests to handpick books that you’d like to read. So you can get a new, surprise book every month that’s tailored to you!

There are different packages including; Young Adult, Contemporary, Bespoke, Classic and more. The subscription itself comes in 3, 6 or 12 monthly subscriptions with varied prices.fullsizeoutput_878

“Reading gives us some place to go, when we have to stay where we are.” – Mason Cooley

The book arrives carefully packaged for you to unwrap (just like a present!) with a badge, sticker and bookmark as extra little gifts.  It also comes with a slip saying ‘This book belongs to…’. Nice touch WBC, I like that.

And if the whole idea wasn’t lovely enough, for every subscription sold they donate one new book to Book Aid International, which supports the vital education and literary development work that the charity performs in Sub-Saharan Africa.

Overall, I absolutely love the personalised feel, making you feel as though you’d been sent a real gift. If you’re an avid reader looking to broaden your bookshelf, I would definitely recommend getting a subscription!

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The Liebster Award

 

chelseaThank you to Chelsea at Think Feel Strong for the tag, check out her blog!

The Rules

  • Post 11 Facts About Yourself
  • Answer the 11 Questions Your Nominator Asked
  • Nominate 11 Other Bloggers
  • Ask Them 11 Questions
  • Let Them Know They’ve Been Nominated

11 Facts About Me

  1. I’m obsessed with Harry Potter
  2. I am a dog person and have two French Bulldogs (cats scare me)
  3. I am a qualified Fitness Instructor
  4. I’m incredibly clumsy
  5. I hate cheese
  6. I have 7 tattoos
  7. I’m pigeon toed
  8. I talk to myself a lot
  9. My Rubiks Cube record is 2 minutes 20 seconds
  10. I can name every single European Country
  11. I never go anywhere without my Journal

My 11 Answers

  1. Why did you start blogging?
    I started blogging as a release for thoughts and experiences with mental health, with the intention of helping others realise that they’re not alone.
  2. What is your favourite part of blogging?
    Getting good feedback, and hearing that I’ve made a difference to a person’s life. It’s all about helping people so that makes me so, so happy.
  3. What is your favourite food?
    Definitely mashed potato, but it has to be with gravy! (Specifically chicken flavoured Bisto gravy!)
  4. What is your dream job?
    My dream job has always been to work with animals – maybe as a Zoo Keeper!
  5. What was your favourite subject in school?
    Drama or History!
  6. What is your biggest fear?
    Being a failure and letting down my family and boyfriend.
  7. Morning bird or night owl?
    Night owl 100%!
  8. What’s your least favourite part of blogging?
    Comparing myself to other bloggers, and thinking that I’m not as good as them or as well recognised.
  9. What post are you most proud of?
    Probably my first Vlog, because I got lots more views than I thought I would and even though I was scared, I did it anyway!
  10. Do you have any tips for a beginning blogger?
    Just be so proudly, and authentically you people have no other option but to love you!
  11. What’s your favourite social media to promote your blog on?
    Definitely Twitter, that’s where I get the most views/responses.

My 11 Nominations are…

  1. Ayla – Anxious Agony Aunt
  2. Mel  – Geek Magnifique
  3. Liam – Liam and His Anxiety
  4. Jade – Jade Writes
  5. Melissa – Love Melissa
  6. Mike – Mike’s Open Journal
  7. Meg – Be Kind to your Mind
  8. Melina – Ivefoundwaldo
  9. Emily – Slice of Lemmy Pie
  10. Caroline – Call Me Caz
  11. Louise – Loubee Lou Blogs

My 11 Questions…

  1. What is your lasting message to your readers?
  2. What would you wear to a Disney themed fancy dress party?
  3. Stay in or night out?
  4. Comedy or Horror?
  5. Summer or Winter?
  6. What is your party trick?
  7. What are the top three things on your Bucket List?
  8. What’s the first thing you would buy if you won millions on the lottery?
  9. Favourite alcoholic beverage? If you don’t drink, why did you make that decision?
  10. If you could go back five years and tell yourself anything, what would it be?
  11. What’s your favourite memory from your childhood?

Can’t wear to see your guys’ answers and again, thanks to Chelsea for the tag, make sure you check out/follow her blog!

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3 March ’17 – Journal / Depression

So, I have been feeling depressed.

I haven’t talked much about depression yet, because I just haven’t been feeling that way for any strenuous periods of time. Now, it’s likely that I’ve been feeling depressed because I’ve been poorly and I haven’t been eating but it doesn’t change the fact that I am feeling this way.

Depressed me is an asshole and I absolutely hate myself when I’m suffering with it. I do nothing, I say nothing, I avoid eating, I avoid socialising, I avoid doing anything – and I sleep. Sleep has always been my ‘saviour’. 9 times out of 10 if I’m having a bad day, I just go for a nap, usually for an entire afternoon. Because, it’s fast and easy relief from my mind. But it’s counterproductive for my progress and I’ve been trying to get out of the habit.

I guess as well, I’m so overwhelmed with this new job, it hasn’t left my mind at all. I haven’t felt the severity of anxiety I did yesterday in a long, long time. And, it’s hard because just when I think I have my shit together that happens and I just think.. well bloody marvellous, what is the point? And just, why me? What did I do to deserve feeling this way?

I have been trying so hard to pick myself up, and it’s a process that comes a day at a time for sure, but why do I just fall back down that well so easily?

I’m getting so frustrated with the universe and especially myself.

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Day of the Job Trial / Vlog / 2 March ’17

(God why are all the suggested thumb nails always hideous!)

Much love to you all! X

Your Sweet Anxiety / ‘I just wish it didn’t hold me hostage.’ / Submission #5

You would think that working in a massage clinic, I would be anxiety free. I am much the opposite. My anxiety is constantly at my throat. I don’t exactly know how it started, or really when it got this far.

For me anxiety is a layered issue. A culmination of all the bad things that have happened in my life, that still haunt me. My home burning down. My parent’s divorce. My depression, and my brother’s. Both of our attempts at suicide. How all the people I trusted most turned against me at a vulnerable age. The car accident. My dad’s heart attacks. The threat that I may never have biological children because of my Endometriosis diagnosis. The list is longer still, and it fills my mind. It grips my throat, holding hostage the air I need.

I have always felt anxious, but the panic attacks didn’t start until I hit my late teens and early twenties. Strangely though, even when I meet someone else who suffers them, I’m not believed. Someone I was talking to would tell me of their anxiety and panic attacks, but when I told them I suffered the same they would ask me to describe my attacks to them. Their tone would be that of someone who thought I was mocking them, only changing it when I would tell them of my fear. All the while, forcing me to relive the sensations I would describe to them.

It’s limiting to me, as it keeps me from being able to drive. I’m 24 and don’t have a license because I have blacked out from a panic attack before while driving, and I don’t want to put others at risk. In his own way, my fiancé has tried to help, by trying to slowly expose me to driving again. That stopped when I lost my ability to see during a panic attack and he was in the passenger seat. He sat on the other side of the door when I ran to the bathroom hyperventilating afterwards, waiting for me. The look on his face, when I finally came out, was the same as everyone else who didn’t believe me. Guilt, that they should have believed me at first rather than forcing me to prove it to them.

I try not to let it keep me from doing normal things, like having a job, but even there I feel it’s grips. I often complain about how I can’t breathe deeply, and the tell of my speaking faster than the average Southern Girl shows up. Everyone says “Take a deep breath. You’ll be fine,” but they don’t understand telling me that does nothing.

The only calm I feel is when I’m reading, or writing. No real pressure, no need to force myself to fight it. It’s just forgotten for a little while. My mind isn’t focused on me. It’s focus on the characters, their plot and plight. Instead of my own.

I just wish it didn’t hold me hostage.

Jessica Loftus


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Jessica, 24, writes her own blog surrounding mental health and wellbeing. Check out The Road of a Small Town Girl!

Also check her out on Facebook & Instagram!

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