28 April / An Update On Me

I haven’t blogged about myself much because I’m feeling a bit on the fence with everything really. Generally, I just feel lost and my mind is so blank.

I had an assessment for counselling on Wednesday and I have been put on a waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) of which I am very grateful for. But, since I’ve had it twice before and didn’t find it very useful, I’m also a little disappointed.

We discussed how I’ve been feeling and what my general ‘goals’ are. I hate that question, I just want to live a normal life, with normal emotions and not hate myself. Please?

I also spoke about how I’d seen a Psychiatrist in January who came to the conclusion I was suffering with Generalised Anxiety (it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or diagnosis to realise that). I’d actually had the referral because my Dr suspected I could be suffering with Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder due to my constant mood changes, impulsivity and general confusion in myself (amongst a lot of other ‘symptoms’). But the psychiatrist kind of shut me down.

For one we met in a local activity centre with no waiting room, so my Mum ended up sat in with me which made me feel uncomfortable. He also only asked me a few questions about my childhood and concluded I was ‘normal’. Whatever that is.

The problem is, I have real ‘identity’ issues and I struggle with things like knowing my likes and dislikes. I find myself doing laps in my mind thinking about the things I do in my life. Like, do I do that because she does it? Do I really like it? Am I watching this because they do? Am I actually enjoying it? Blah, blah, blah… These things sound trivial but I’ve always been like it, even with life choices.

I touched on 7 different A Levels in college, trying to figure out if I actually enjoyed the subjects I chose. I actually did Business Studies AS Level twice (two years of studying) and failed both times – I’ve still no idea whether I enjoyed it or if I just liked the idea of business. Career wise I have since been a Letting Agent and a Fitness Instructor and given up on both.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what I want. I really want some help with this but I’ve no idea where to turn?

#MentalMovement / Neal’s Yard Remedies: Creating a Beauty Routine for Self Care

When I’m having a depressive episode, the first thing that goes down the drain with me is my hygiene and self-care. Suddenly, brushing my teeth is the equivalent to climbing Mount Everest. Twice. And, showering? Not in a million years.

I have found a huge way of combatting that and pushing through the wall, is by creating a beauty/self-care routine that makes me feel good and that I promise myself to follow.

Even when getting up and out of bed is last on the list of things I want to do; I push myself to get up and begin this self-care routine. By doing so I jump start my self-esteem and positivity and set myself up for a good day.

I wouldn’t be without my beauty products which sculpt my self-care routines leaving me feeling great, inside and out!


Check out my go-to beauty products and the full post here!

X

Your Sweet Anxiety / ‘Every day, hour, minute, Second it is there’ / Submission #4

Always there from sun up to sun down.

Never ending retching & feeling sick!

Xtremely challenging. 

I hate it the most!

Every day, hour, minute, Second it is there

Torment of the throat, chest & mind.

Y me and not them?

Matt Peet 


img_20161001_210822

Matt Peet, 29, is the Creator of Behind a Smile, a Freelance Journalist and is also a writer for #MentalMovement.

The girls at #MM recently interviewed him. Check it out here!

X

#MentalMovement / The Beurer TL60 Bright Light: How Light Therapy Changed My Mornings

bligh2-copy-1170x849

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of disorder that occurs seasonally. People suffer particularly in the Autumn & Winter, when the days are shorter and there is less daylight.

Symptoms of this disorder can include;

  • Low mood
  • Lack of motivation
  • Feelings of despair, guilt and worthlessness
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Loss of libido
  • Insomnia
  • Tiredness or feeling lethargic (lacking in energy)
  • Sleeping for longer periods and struggling to rise in the mornings
  • Craving carbs and gaining weight

Most people are affected by the change in seasons and experience improved moods when the sun is shining and the daytime is longer. But, those with SAD (1 in 20!), experience far more severe symptoms.

One recommended way of treating Seasonal Affective Disorder is with light therapy. This has been medically proven to improve symptoms of SAD within a week of exposure. The Doctor may also recommend it to you.

Whilst I don’t struggle specifically with SAD, I do struggle with the ‘winter blues’. This time of year is always a lot tougher for me, as my anxiety and depression really peaks. So – this year whilst struggling with my mental health, I decided to try light therapy.

Keep reading here.

22 Feb’ 17 – Next Awkward Vlog

Don’t worry this isn’t going to happen everyday.

My ‘Things To Do When I Haven’t Got Anything To Do’ List.

Have you ever had one of those days? When you have nothing to do, getting up and functioning like a normal human being is the last thing you want to do. If you do, I feel your pain.

I tend to have one of those days at least twice a week, and a way I’ve found to combat them is by doing something on my ‘Things To Do When I Haven’t Got Anything To Do’ list. (Catchy I know.)

Here is my current list which seems to evolve and grow often – (let me know of any suggestions you might have to add!)

  • Read a book
  • Watch a documentary
  • Walk the dogs/go for a walk
  • Find a new app or game on my phone
  • Write a blog post about how I’m feeling
  • Draw a picture
  • Drink some water & take vitamins!
  • Find new blogs to follow
  • Colour in one of my colouring books
  • Find some new Social Media handles to follow
  • Be active on Social Media
  • Do some cleaning
  • Watch Harry Potter
  • Spend some time scrolling on Pinterest
  • Send a thoughtful message to somebody
  • Do some yoga or stretching
  • Declutter
  • Research new self-help techniques
  • Play the PlayStation
  • Take a shower
  • Watch Pretty Little Liars
  • Have a face mask
  • Pluck my eyebrows
  • Do my make up
  • Shower the dogs
  • Meditate (or try)
  • Go for a swim
  • Find a free online course
  • Read the news
  • Research a mental health disorder
  • Sit in front of the SAD Light
  • Have a coffee/cup of tea
  • Watch a funny movie
  • Read encouraging emails from The Happiness Planner
  • Moisturise
  • Do some baking/cooking
  • Find new music/rediscover old music
  • Watch YouTube videos
  • Sit outside & breathe
  • Take a bus to somewhere new
  • Find free books on Apple Books app
  • Play online Poker

15 Feb ’17 – Post Op

img_4661

**CELEBRATION POST!**

I am really proud of myself.

I actually managed to get through the whole of yesterday without having an anxiety attack (I had one tiny wobble but I was absolutely fine for the rest of it!) Considering I was so worried about how I’d feel, it’s a huge success mentally.

I’m generally really happy about the whole day because I managed to stay calm and relaxed, and now hopefully I won’t have to revisit the hospital and everything is okay again!


I’ve been feeling so tired today, tried letting myself off but I can just never get rid of that sense of guilt when I’m not doing anything. I feel so disappointed with where my life is that if it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to build a life/career/do something productive, I think that my family & boyfriend will hate me.

X

7 Feb ’17

pexels-photo

I’ve handed in my notice today – it feels good.

I often forget the whole ‘the world is your oyster’ and that I’m young and have an entire life ahead of me. There’s no point bogging myself down with jobs I don’t want to do. Especially when I have the full support of my boyfriend, family and friends. Their support really goes a long way – I’m so lucky.

I wish to pursue a career in journalism/blogging/writing and hope I establish myself soon. Me & Ryan are in the midst of setting up a writing site/service to advertise services available from us, and to also encourage others to join us on the site. It’s definitely a step in the right direction.

I’m going to start practicing the Law of Attraction. I genuinely believe in it, and believe dreaming big and thinking positive goes a long way in terms of the universe. Time to read The Secret again I think!

X

6 Feb ’17 – Having to work is Bullsh*t

pexels-photo-127627

Sorry to be curt but like seriously, wtf world? I’m so fed up of the way this entire planet functions. We live to work, and not work to live. And always have to do MORE. (Mostly…) Why can’t we all forage fruit and vegetables and live in mud huts n’ all that again?

I’m so, so stressed about work at the moment. After asking for one less shift I had my hours totally slashed and now I’m earning less than I started on.

Money is literally the bane of my life. If I could have a steady income, doing ANYTHING, I could then be mentally comfortable and use the rest of my time to work on my blogging and writing.

But of course, living in the middle of nowhere in North Cornwall (although it’s very pretty!!), when I can’t drive, leaves me virtually option-less. I would do so much to be comfortably in a job right now, that kept my mind occupied and gave me a bit of money to pay the bills.  😦


On a positive note – I’ve now been taking Sertraline for nearly two weeks and I *think* that it’s helped my anxiety and fatigue a little. I’ve been less panicky about getting in the car and I’ve also managed to go every day for a while without having a nap – hoorah!

X

2 Feb ’17

img_4164

So – I’ve been a bit quiet over the last few days. My head has been aaaaalll over the place, and I’ve not really had direction with my writing. Not that I do today but I thought I had better check in!

I had my second Life Coaching session with Abii (The Borderline Holistic). I actually found myself rather emotional by the end of it. She’s amazing at getting you to dig deep with what you really want and feel. It also feels really good to be able to say ANYTHING I want to say and know she’ll understand and not judge me.

I’ve been thinking about careers/my future/my purpose and all that and am really amongst some muddled feelings and emotions. But I’m slowly realising that that is okay, and that I will find my way – I just need to give myself time and a little slack. I spend so much time worrying that I’m a hinderance and letting people down that I forget to actually try and push myself forwards.

I’m currently relaxing, watching Pretty Little Liars and diffusing the lovely blend* below to chill out. I’ve finished my coursework and hopefully will finish my Fitness Instructing course tomorrow – yipee! Although I’m pretty sure it’s not the career path for me, I’m proud that I’ve got the qualification under my belt (almost), as it helps me with my healthy living goals.

img_4171

*If you’re interested in Essential Oils, don’t hesitate to drop me an email on gemmacallaway1994@gmail.com and I’ll happily provide you with more details (and an opportunity to make some extra cash if you’re interested!) :*

X