28 April / An Update On Me

I haven’t blogged about myself much because I’m feeling a bit on the fence with everything really. Generally, I just feel lost and my mind is so blank.

I had an assessment for counselling on Wednesday and I have been put on a waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) of which I am very grateful for. But, since I’ve had it twice before and didn’t find it very useful, I’m also a little disappointed.

We discussed how I’ve been feeling and what my general ‘goals’ are. I hate that question, I just want to live a normal life, with normal emotions and not hate myself. Please?

I also spoke about how I’d seen a Psychiatrist in January who came to the conclusion I was suffering with Generalised Anxiety (it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or diagnosis to realise that). I’d actually had the referral because my Dr suspected I could be suffering with Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder due to my constant mood changes, impulsivity and general confusion in myself (amongst a lot of other ‘symptoms’). But the psychiatrist kind of shut me down.

For one we met in a local activity centre with no waiting room, so my Mum ended up sat in with me which made me feel uncomfortable. He also only asked me a few questions about my childhood and concluded I was ‘normal’. Whatever that is.

The problem is, I have real ‘identity’ issues and I struggle with things like knowing my likes and dislikes. I find myself doing laps in my mind thinking about the things I do in my life. Like, do I do that because she does it? Do I really like it? Am I watching this because they do? Am I actually enjoying it? Blah, blah, blah… These things sound trivial but I’ve always been like it, even with life choices.

I touched on 7 different A Levels in college, trying to figure out if I actually enjoyed the subjects I chose. I actually did Business Studies AS Level twice (two years of studying) and failed both times – I’ve still no idea whether I enjoyed it or if I just liked the idea of business. Career wise I have since been a Letting Agent and a Fitness Instructor and given up on both.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what I want. I really want some help with this but I’ve no idea where to turn?

4 thoughts on “28 April / An Update On Me

  1. Hello love! I’ve stumbled across your blog through twitter and am loving what I’m seeing so far. I’m looking forward to reading more about you. I have anxiety and suffered from depression in the past. I also recently overcame Dermatillomania which I am going to be writing about in the near future. My twitter DM’s are always open if you would like a chat and I also made a Facebook for connecting with bloggers if you would prefer to talk there. I feel exactly the same way at the moment. I left school and completed an admin apprenticeship which included an SVQ2 and SVQ3 in administration (managerial qualifications) which I have a post about if you’re interested. However, despite my hard work to gain these qualifications I was not kept on by the company and was turned down at a further 7 administration interviews. I have no idea what went wrong and felt (Still feel) completely at a loss as I have now used all my funding from the government on those SVQ’s so if I want to train in a different sector then it has to come out of my own pocket. They cost roughly £800 and I am completely independent with my own flat etc so it’s a little rubbish. I’m currently a care assistant and am trying to figure out my options a little. Like I said, I’m available for you to rent to or brainstorm with anytime ❤ x

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    1. Hiya. Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate it.

      And if that’s something you’re passionate about keep at it. I’m sure there’s something out there for you! I was recently turned down for an admin job at Rethink Mental Illness even though I had manager experience and an NVQ2 in Business Administration. Sometimes people are just more experienced and unfortunately I think experience trumps all in the end. Don’t be disheartened though, please! X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your assessment with the psychiatrist sounds far from ideal. Is there any chance you can be referred again to someone else? You should be seen on your own really. It took me so long to get a proper diagnosis and treatment plan, the system really doesn’t seem to work 😦

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